Shut up and sit down

Aaron Wells

Columnist

Sagebrush, 10-17-2000

The funny thing about opinions is that I really don't care about them, one way or the other. Frankly, it's just too much work to maintain an opinion about anything to be worth the returns.

To maintain an opinion, you've got to sober up enough to form an opinion, care enough to tell others about your opinion, and be smart enough to defend your opinio. Being sober, caring and smart are not things that I care to waste my precious time on, especially when there's a Dexter's Laboratory marathon on The Cartoon Network.

Maybe it's worthwhile for those of you who live in the dorms and can't get The Cartoon Network. I doubt it. As much as people espouse opinions, what have they ever done for anoyone? Nothing, because opinions are abstract, the world is concrete and Plato was wrong. Ideals are lame. As much worth as you see in anything abstract, it still won't fetch as much at a garage sale as a bold red tie.

Politicians have known for years that garage sales are the pulsing heart of America, and that's why they avoid opinions in favor of bold red ties. Politicians with strong opinions probably spent months or years developing those opinions, and all they get is eliminated in the primaries. George Bush Jr. and Al Gore have rid themselves of all opinions and now get to wear their bold red ties in front of the nation in televised debates, while Pat Buchanan, John McCain and Ralph Nader sit alone at home with their opinions, which are no doubt getting stronger by the minute.

Modern science is worse at curing opinions than the common cold. Sure, there's drugs that will fight the symptoms (like booze), but only major surgery (like a frontal lobotomy) will eliminate them completely.

So it's impressive that our on-campus political leaders have purged themselves of opinions. Like me, they're no doubt preserving their sobriety, caring, and intelligence for something more important. Like the Cartoon Network.